Not Just Behavior

I’m sure you’ve heard lots of people talk about the importance of character. Unfortunately, much of it sounds something like, “We need to start a character emphasis because all these people are doing bad stuff, and we want them to start doing good stuff!”

Though understandable, this statement focuses completely on behavior and really isn’t very character-based at all. People can do lots of good things while still having bad character. Being concerned about someone’s character means being concerned about the real them–not about the image they project for all to see. We need to be careful that, in getting excited about “character,” we’re not merely getting excited about socially acceptable behavior.

Telling someone to “be patient” is different from saying, “wait for the train without complaining.” The person might very well wait without complaining while being inwardly impatient.

But many of us simply mean, “wait without complaining.” We’re thinking in terms of the behavior we want from that person. We’re not going to the trouble of worrying about their true inward state. Instead, we need to be concerned about what’s going on inside the person, and be talking about that when we say, “be patient.”

One strength of Character First! is that it tries to talk about these inner characteristics rather than outer behavior. This is very difficult since we only notice character by noticing someone’s behavior. But we always need to direct our thinking past the behavior to the character. When you praise someone for patience, you might wonder whether they were really patient on the inside. Only time will tell. But over time, the delicate distinction will become clear to those who listen to you.

As written for the Character First! Members Library